Top Goblin

TopGoblin is a free browser-based startup simulator and satirical strategy card game. You have seven decisions to manufacture growth, protect runway, inflate hype, manage technical debt, and keep the founder sane before Due Diligence audits the company.

How it works

Every round deals three startup decision cards. Choose one and accept the full consequences across five connected stats: Runway, Users, Hype, Tech Debt, and Sanity. After the seventh decision, the Due Diligence final boss turns the surviving numbers into a verified startup valuation and an ending.

The same global deck and modifier apply to every player, making scores comparable even when the business logic is gloriously questionable. Your first ranked run is free and requires no traditional email-and-password signup—just claim a unique public founder username.

Key features

• Seven-round startup strategy runs designed for quick browser play.
• A growing deck of satirical founder, growth, product, funding, and operations cards.
• Limited free redraws to discard a terrible hand and deal three replacements.
• Five interacting company stats with clear positive and negative effects.
• A permanent global Top 20 that keeps each player’s best verified valuation.
• Live rank badges: Top Goblin, Golden Grifter, Bronze Baron, and Pit Elite.
• Shareable results and leaderboard positions for challenging other founders.
• Sound effects, responsive mobile play, and no installation required.

The unfair part

TopGoblin deliberately makes startup satire pay to win. The first ranked run is free, while optional Stripe purchases unlock extra audits, redraw tokens, and Due Diligence Bribes that improve selected stats. Paid bribes are disclosed on leaderboard results instead of being presented as clean books.

Scores are verified server-side. Card decisions are replayed before a run is filed, paid attempts can only be completed once, and Checkout recovery is idempotent.

The all-time leaderboard does not reset every 24 hours: a better run replaces your personal best, and ties go to the earliest filing.

Built with Next.js, React, Neon Postgres, Drizzle ORM, Better Auth, Stripe Checkout, and Vercel.

TopGoblin is entertainment and satire—not business, financial, legal, or investment advice. No actual investors were harmed during the audit.